Hey all readers and bloggers,
I had an interesting chat with my mother last night who though doesn’t know I’m married, knows I’m very much in love and in a stable relationship for really the first time in my life. I talked to her about some things I do in the relationship that are of course negative but are strictly due to who I can’t help but be as a person. So here are problems I am fully admitting to bringing into my relationship with my partner, and why I don’t always think those problems are wrong.
#1: I start arguments and get upset over petty things
Now, most of the time I know these things are petty, but other times they are things that just can’t help but matter to Wade. For instance, the other day when he dropped me off back in Canada, we had a dispute in which I was upset because if Wade doesn’t like something about my outfit (ESPECIALLY my shoes) he will complain about it. To me personally, I think if you love someone you really shouldn’t give any f*cks about how they decide to dress because if they are happy with it and feel good, you should be happy and feel good.
It’s the same thing with hair, now I don’t want to generalize but most straight guys I’ve ever known like girls with long hair. Now personally what I do with my hair is cut it short, then grow it out for 2 years before cutting it short again. I used to have highlights but besides that I’ve never dyed my hair with anything more than manic panic. Now, I cut my hair back in February in Wade says he likes it, still calls me beautiful frequently, but every once and a while will say something like “Your hair is so nice, I can’t wait for it to be long again.” Like, okay pardon me if I’m wrong but b*tch what?! Like, I know he doesn’t ever intend for me to feel that way, but I’m a girl okay, I’m generalizing, we’re crazy and over sensitive. When he says stuff like that, or like when I asked him how he’d feel if I dip dyed my hair and he basically responded by saying “no” a couple times in a row after I explained what it was to him, it makes me feel like if I did cut my hair or dip dye it or something, even though it might make me feel good and happy about myself, it’d make me less attractive to him.
That scares the shit out of me to be honest, I’ve been in a very munipulative relationship before where the guy essentially said “ew” to anything I did that he didn’t like and made me feel worthless. So yes, I argue about this stuff, sometimes it’s over stupid things, but sometimes it’s just because I’m terrified, and I know he’ll love me no matter what, but I dunno, is it so hard just to suck it up sometimes and say “you’ll be beautiful to me no matter what” instead of commenting on something I did for myself?
#2: I’m a control freak
To be honest, this part of me doesn’t really come out unless I’m in a relationship, because for some reason I’m always meaner to guys I’m with than to my girlfriends, I guess I play too hard with my words to compensate for the fact that I’m a tiny ass 5’1 girl. Not to say I bully my significant other because that would just make me feel shitty about myself, but I can be a bit of a meany sometimes. Anyways though back on track, for some reason I can’t help correct what people are doing if I know what they’re doing is wrong and/or they are going super slow. This happens in my relationship especially when I ask Wade to cook for me. Usually in our house I cook most of the meals, but every so often I ask him to cook our typical breakfast which is: scrambled eggs with cut up ham and mozzarella, bacon, and hashbrowns. Now, when I enter the kitchen and Wade is cooking, I completely take over because I feel as though he is doing everything in the completely wrong order. So not only do I take over, but I get annoyed with HIM because I “have to” take over an operation that I believe is so simple.
#3: I overreact
Now this one is pretty basic and is kind of like my first point? But basically I am saying this because no matter what I will make a mountain out of a molehill because I am a super oversensitive person. On the flip side of sensitivity, I believe due to some problems in my home over the past 8 years, I have gained a very short temper, so I also raise my voice and/or yell a lot, not always intentionally. I have upset Wade on a couple occasions because my tone was harsher than I had intended it to be, which sucks unlimited amounts.
#4: I have difficulty communicating
Not to brag if this sounds at all braggy, but I have always been an individual that other people come to for advice or to vent to. I have had people tell me all their secrets, things they never have told anyone after them having just known me for a week or two, I suppose I am just really easy to talk to or comforting?? Now, it’s strange, because I love listening to people and helping them and I always find examples of my own life to somehow relate to any situation faced by my peers, but my own mental health is something I rarely discuss.
Many years back I had a best friend, someone I was practically in love with and had so much in common with, and I told them EVERYTHING, including when I was having suicidal thoughts. This individual however was very uncomfortable at the mention of suicide, which I totally understand, but did not know at the time. Now, because this individual didn’t communicate to ME that they were uncomfortable about me confiding to them about this very serious dilemma I was having, our friendship fizzled and this person cut me out of their life completely. The first person I had ever confided these deep thoughts too, was uncomfortable and didn’t tell me and basically just hung me out to dry with barely any forewarning. Because someone didn’t tell me how they felt, I lost a dear friend, and this still impacts me to this day. Due to this event I still struggle speaking to anyone about my mental health, and when I try I fail to even muster up the words to describe how I feel.
I have never had a relationship as serious as I do with Wade (clearly), so it causes a lot of problems within our relationship because I just CAN’T speak my mind about some things. To me the things I don’t speak about seem irrelevant, but Wade always wants to know EVERYTHING I’m thinking and doing and so on. Not to say Wade always communicates with me the way I want him to, but I have caused this issue a couple times in regards to casual matters, intimate matters, and overall very important matters.
This is all I can really think of right now in regards to problems I cause myself, but if there are ever any more for whatever reason, I will make a part two aha.